I obviously am not much of a blogger, since my last post was in Feb.
I suppose it has become much easier to Facebook... Yet, this is an online journal type of activity and at this moment it is a good tool.
I went to the doctor on November 19th, my husband's birthday, to have a regular OB check up. I was four months pregnant, 16 weeks and 3 days to be exact. The baby's heart had stopped beating. I had gone in telling my doctor that I had not felt the baby and was worried because I knew I had at least felt flutters or something by this point in time. She stated that we would have an ultrasound and make sure, sure enough, it was gone. The baby had died. So, the next step was to choose to destroy and "abort" the baby or deliver the baby. We choose to deliver the baby in hopes to know what the baby was and to also see if why the baby died could be determined.
We went in, around 9PM, and they put a cream on my cervix to get my labor going. I actually progressed well. Sometimes it takes 48 hours plus to deliver this early and by 10:30 on the 20th I was ready (something we prayed for.) They stated that my placenta may not deliver easily and suggested an epidural in case the doctor needed to pull, tug, etc. When I laid back down after the epidural, typical Leah Sweetman delivery, the baby was there. The nurse delivered our little boy. The doctor came in and they took the cord from around his neck as it was twisted and wrapped four times. The cord had actually cut into his skin. They stated they had never seen one so young, so tangled. He was from the tip of my fingers to the palm of my hand. He was complete with fingers, toes, eyes that were opened, a sweet little mouth. He was obviously a boy, he had the cutest little legs and you could see his muscles and know his built was just like his daddy's. Mark and I held him, sang to him, prayed over him and kissed him. We named him Nolan Mark, a name we had pre-picked when we found out we were pregnant. We took pictures of him and yet do not desire to share them. Although to us he was as complete as he ever will be here in this place, I suppose we fear others may not understand as they look at a baby that small. I do not want to feel as though I need to explain his beauty because we know he for sure was beautiful. The children saw his photo, a photo where Mark was holding him in his hand. They all kissed it as we prayed at his burial. He was buried at the foot of Mark's mother's grave, she had just passed away from cancer. We took a blanket there, sat on it and read God's word together and listened to the song Better Is One Day. It is true, like God's word says, "Better is one day in your courts, than a thousand elsewhere." Nolan will never know the pain of this place. I praise God for that. Yet, I will never know Nolan in this life. I have to wait for eternity. I wonder how he will be, if he will be a baby, a boy, or a man. I wonder if he will know I am his mother there. I wonder if we will know who our family is there or if we will all just be related as children of God. Maybe it is prideful to desire him to know me. Yet, I pray I can one day know him. We are doing well. We have a sense of peace through the pain. I am empty now and confused. Nolan was a surprise pregnancy and we were both in a bit of shock to learn of him. Yet, now I just want the empty gone and I desire to be pregnant and have that 5th child that became apart of us and our dream. Many, especially family, were not too thrilled about our pregnancy. They however do not know what it became to us. Or maybe it is that they know how painful this child rearing can be. We know all too well how to love is to hurt. Thank God that love is worth it and it is the greatest of all from God. I wish Nolan was where he belonged, inside of me, his heart still beating, sucking his thumb as he grows into the 8 lb Sweetman baby he was dreamed to be. I wish I could tuck him into his room with his brother, knowing that those two boys just 2 years apart from one another would grow up being best friends, playmates, the cause of a few bruises to one another. There are many things I wish that will never be...so, I just pray. I pray that all of my children claim Jesus as their Lord and personal savior. I pray that this life will be so small in comparison to an eternity together in Heaven. Heaven is now a sweeter dream because Nolan is there. He was a gift to behold. The Lord gave and HE took away. I am sure he has his reasons and maybe one day I will understand them. Until then I know We Will Remember The Works Of His Hands (a song from church today, a reminder of the beauty!)